I stand with my gaze to the melting sky, a solitary,
motionless, grey figure against the colourful animation of all kinds of
students. My mind travelled back, as the sound of sobbing rings in my ears,
dismissing the serene sound of falling raindrops.
The wailing goes again, I sighed. My eyes were transfixed to
the monitor of my laptop, but my attention fell elsewhere. My work is never
going to be finished at this rate. They torture me as much as they torture
themselves. I hear only her cries. It
irks me, flailing my attention. How pathetic. You asked for the break up, and
you are wailing over it? Heck, if I were the now lucky boy, I should be the one
sucking my thumb and wail as I hear sad love songs in the air. But then again,
I am not that boy, or at least I wouldn’t be doing all those things. Break ups
are nothing. ‘Love’ in these ages, in
such a tender time of life, is never to be eternal. Both of the sides are playing
push and pull, just to experience this rollercoaster they call ‘love’. This,
all of this is senseless, hurting yourself while you hold the knowledge to
avoid it. You idolise your lover when you are a couple but when you break up… I
dismiss those feelings of irk, agonising attention kill, sympathy and immoral
happiness. My work is my utmost importance.
“Call Tiha, tell her I can’t make it to class”, the words
came between all the sobs and wailings. Luckily you still remember about class.
Even if you’re skipping it. You should have Che’ Wan as your lecturer, he’ll
let you off the hook for missing his class due to a break up. Seriously.
Strange, listening to
all these…’jiwang’ songs, aloud and
over and over again seems to calm her down. And managed to make me feel all
giddy. She listens to it even in the midst of azan. Sigh .Then she read the text messages her now ex-boyfriend
gave to her. The wailing starts again. I gave yet another heavy sigh, put my
headphones on, minus the music and pretended not to hear anything.
About yesterday, or the day before, my other friend broke up
with her boyfriend. She wailed, too. It disrupted the blissful serenity of my
sleep. A very groggy I gave a comment, “You know how teens nowadays are,
there’s no need for you to…” And my not even finished comment was barked back
with, “Shut up! Shut up!” There goes a peaceful morning. I rolled back to sleep
and awoke a few minutes later. What a great start to a blissful morning! Damn.
They were always quick to dismiss me as ,” You don’t
understand, you really don’t,” and would give me the ‘do not interrupt our talk
on our shitty boyfriends, shitty classmates, shitty bitches of a classmate,
shitty weather, shitty lecturer, shitty assignments, shitty this, shitty that,
and the list goes on… my life is so like, shitty’ look. Yeah, I don’t
understand on why this girl is bitchy for writing on your boyfriend’s facebook
wall, or that your lecturer is shitty for holding up replacement classes. Oh, and
yes, they eat with that mouth. Me? I prohibit myself from cursing or using
vulgar words. Not in writing, though. Everything changes when I write. I am at
liberty when I write.
So I might be a jinx to those in love, but well, secretly I
am glad of that. I try not to experience this kind of love. And it seems that I
break other people’s relationship of this kind of love, that happens without me
interfering - my classmates included. One of them broke up with his girlfriend
and does a very non-macho thing. He cried. So much for his ego. Sigh. I pity
him, but immoral happiness grips me tighter with its vice claws. So I merely
gave a wicked smile and a sarcastic remark, when he broke the news. Boy, do I sound
arrogant, cruel and cold…heh.
But hey, that’s just me. I wouldn’t change. Not now, and
hopefully not ever. Heaven’s tears grew thick. Everything seemed blurred. In my
brown jacket, I sauntered quietly in the rain, wet and chilled to the bone.
Back to my room. Back to see love suffer. Back to the embrace of the agonising
mixture of immoral happiness, torture and sympathy. At least until they all get
new boyfriends and girlfriends. I hold
that thought with a malicious grin etched across my face.
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